I don’t know how many times I have attempted to start, and then ultimately failed at, writing for a personal blog. I always tell myself that it’ll be different this time™, and what follows is a summary of how that usually goes:
- pick a blog platform or technology
- endlessly obsess over the technical minutiae
- decide I have nothing to offer anyone and why did I think this was a good idea anyway?
- more technical details
- more self doubt
- park the blog for approximately 6-8 months with the one dummy post I managed to upload during the previous five steps
- repeat
I know this is my habit, my 習慣 (zaap6 gwaan3). I tend to put in a lot of energy upfront with respect to a new project, a new pursuit. Every decision must be carefully considered, every tradeoff analyzed, as if a single mistake will result in the inevitable unravelling of the entire enterprise. I feel as if this is ultimately a form of procrastination, or a general fear of failure. Whatever the cause, it is exhausting.
A few months ago, I spoke with a coworker about my problem; that I get really excited about the prospect of starting something new, but that the actual getting started part of it was always so difficult. After several more weeks of on-again-off-again discussion we circled back to this topic, and he informed me that he coincidentally had been reading a book called The Heart to Start, and that I really ought to consider giving it a read as well.
Amazing!
The author of this book is me! Or rather, was me. His writing on the difficulty many people have with the just getting on with it of creative work may as well have been directly sourced from my own personal experience, right down to the unexpectedly specific Chicago locales referenced in an anecdote early in the Prologue.
After finishing the remainder of the book, I felt a real desire to get to work.
So, what work?
I’m glad you asked.
There are two areas of focus for me at the moment. Firstly, I’m a software engineer by trade, and although I enjoy working in the profession, I find that at times I’ve lost track of why I enjoy programming. I’d like to rediscover that joy, that fun, and perhaps learn some new things along the way.
Secondly (and perhaps more importantly), I’ve set an ambitious goal for myself; I want to speak Cantonese. Why? Well, for a number of reasons. For starters, my wife’s family speaks Cantonese, and I feel a sense of duty to participate in any capacity that I can. Language and culture are a big part of family. And then there are the numerous friends I’ve made who reside in Hong Kong. I feel if they are doing the heavy lifting by using English all the time, the least I can do is make a concerted effort to learn Cantonese so that I can reciprocate. There is also a part of me that is in it for the challenge. I grew up in a monolingual household; I would love to believe I am capable of speaking another language. The various polyglots online all say it is possible, and yet, I doubt.
So, what have I done so far and what am I going to do moving forward? For Cantonese, I’ve started studying more regularly and intensely than ever before. I know in order to improve I need to consistently focus. To help keep me motivated, I’ve started a YouTube Channel where I upload Cantonese learning content. This serves a double purpose in that it helps my Cantonese, and is also rewarding in its own right. You can also keep track of my learning progress on the Cantonese page of this blog. I look forward to writing about my journey as I progress.
Regarding programming, the direction is less clear, and that’s ok. Currently I’m using my Cantonese studying as a driver for programming tasks. For example, I wanted an easy way to perform bulk dictionary lookups for new words I am studying in preparation for creating flashcards for review. There were no existing tools I could find that made this easy for me, so I wrote something myself. Perhaps through time I will look for interesting small projects such as this that I can talk about on the blog, and maybe I’ll open source some stuff too.
Finally, the blog. my nemesis. I always knew it would come down to this! I’ll admit that I’ve been sitting on writing this post for some time, and was well on my way to step 6. of the pattern I’d established for myself. I’d like to think I’m going to break the cycle this time, though. I know I will. All I have to do is remember to not let perfect be the enemy of the good, not let the regrets of the past or anxiety over the future poison the present moment. Get on with the getting on with it. Find the heart to start.